I don't know crap about investing

But I'm trying to learn. I just went through this article by Kiplinger and in some foggy part of my brain I'm thinking, Janus, Janus, I swear I have money invested in Janus somewhere....

How do you learn about the stock market? I took the foreign service exam 2 years ago and failed miserably, primarily because I don't know a lot about how the stock market works. Shouldn't there have been a class in high school? I find it amazing how little is taught. Sure, we did the "pretend you have $1000 and pick some stocks" game in high school, but that didn't tell us important things like:

1. Who do I go to to buy stocks, how do I know s/he is honest and how do I track my stocks?
2. What's the difference between a mutual fund, money market fund, general stocks, bonds, and all the other options? I don't mean things like -- you make more money with a mutual fund, money market funds are generally insured, bonds are loans, etc. I mean how do they work? Who buys stocks for them? How are they managed? What works best in a bear/bull market? Those sorts of questions.
3. What part does the government play in all this? From following real estate, I know that Greenspan and the Federal Reserve affected percentage rates on debt, but how? How do they decide whether it goes up or down? I know they have a lot to do with bonds but what, exactly, I'm not sure.
4. Can I buy a few stocks at a time, or do I need to buy a minimum?
5. How much does it cost to consult a financial advisor and how do I find a really good one? What should I look for?
   

These are my major questions regarding stocks. I want to invest but I feel terrified -- I don't want to lose my hard-earned cash. That being said, I know that I must learn how to invest in order to save enough for retirement. I would have to save $800+ a month to make enough to retire on if I don't get compounding interest and guess what -- it's not gonna happen. So, I have to figure out this system. I have a B.A. and part of a master's degree, but I have never had to take a class that really explains how to manage my money.

I will be looking for that class. Maybe the library will have something? I want a class that is F-R-E-E. So, from now on my goal is this: figure it out before I lose out. Maybe I can tack this on to my goals for New Year.